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Codependency
Though we may have
members dealing with this issue, we have not yet established a
separate small group for Codependency
If you have
extended recovery time and feel capable of leading a group, please
notify us.
COMMON
TRAITS
1. My good feelings
about who I am stem from being loved by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am
stem from receiving approval from you.
3. Your struggle affects my
serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or
relieving your pain.
4. My mental attention is focused
on pleasing you.
5. My mental attention is focused
on protecting you.
6. My self-esteem is bolstered by
solving your problems.
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by
relieving your pain.
8. My own hobbies and interests
are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
9. Your clothing and personal
appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection
of me.
10. Your behavior is dictated by
my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
11. I am not aware of how I feel.
I am aware of how you feel.
12. I am not aware of what I want
- I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume.
13. The dreams I have for my
future are linked to you.
14. My fear of rejection
determines what I say or do.
15. My fear of your anger
determines what I say or do.
16. I use giving as a way of
feeling safe in our relationship.
17. My social circle diminishes as
I involve myself with you.
18. I put my values aside in order
to connect with you.
19. I value your opinion and way
of doing things more than my own.
20. The quality of my life is in
direct relation to the quality of yours.
DEFINITION
From the
book -
"LOVE IS A CHOICE"
CODEPENDENCY
"In its broadest sense,
codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or
things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior
feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside.
To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect
of life.
The codependent may be addicted to another person.
In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so
elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self -
personal identity - is severely restricted, crowded out by that
other person's identity and problems.
Additionally,
codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to
themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or
drugs, primarily) or things - money, food, sexuality, work. They
struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within
themselves. " pg.11,12
THE TEN TRAITS OF A
CODEPENDENT
1. The
codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
2. The codependent is bound and often tormented
by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
3. The codependent's self-esteem (and,
frequently, maturity) is very low.
4. A codependent is certain his or her
happiness hinges on others.
5. Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately
responsible for others.
6. The codependent's relationship with a spouse
or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable
lack of balance between dependence and independence.
7. The codependent is a master of denial and
repression.
8. The codependent worries about things he or
she can't change and may well try to change them.
9. A codependent's life is punctuated by
extremes.
10. A codependent is constantly looking for the
something that is missing or lacking in life. pg.28
CODEPENDENCY AND CHRISTIAN
TEACHINGS
On the surface,
codependency messages sound like Christian
teaching.
"Codependents always put others first before taking
care of themselves." (Aren't Christians to put others first?)
"Codependents give themselves away." (Shouldn't Christians
do the same?)
"Codependents martyr themselves."
(Christianity honors its martyrs.)
Those statements have a
familiar ring, don't they? Then how can we distinguish between
codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their
dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.
Codependency
says:
I have little or no value.
Other persons and
situations have all the value.
I must please other people
regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
I am to place
myself to be used by others without protest.
I must give myself
away.
If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.
Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are
to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self
forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of
service and codependency take several forms.
Motivation
differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out of
free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he
seek to "please people"? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he
act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the
other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to
help the helper achieve his own goals).
Service is to be an
active choice. The person acts; codependents react. Codependents
behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Additions control the
person instead of the person being in charge of their own
life.
Codependents have poor sense of boundaries; they help
others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of
the other person rather than moving that person toward
independence). They have trouble setting limits for themselves and
allow others to invade their boundaries.
A codependent's sense
of self-worth is tied up in helping others; Christianity says that a
person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
Ones self-worth is separate from the work one does or the service
one renders.
Codependents have difficulty living balanced
lives; they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being and
health; Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of
oneself.
Codependent helping is joyless; Christian service
brings joy.
Codependent are driven by their inner
compulsions; Christians are God-directed and can be free from
compulsiveness, knowing that God brings the ultimate results.
QUALITIES OF A "GOOD
CODEPENDENT"
1.
High-level organization ability.
2. Competence at a wide variety of
tasks and the ability to learn additional ones quickly.
3. Stability and resistance to panic.
4. Skill at diplomacy and
emotional manipulation.
5. Resilience with a high
tolerance to pain.
6. High energy, with good
resistance to fatigue.
7. Good administrative skills.
8. The ability to defer
gratification indefinitely.
9. Crisis intervention skills.
10. Strong sense of morality and
of right wrong.
11. Loyalty and a willingness to
put the needs of others before his/her own.
12. Capacity to never ask "Whats
in this for me?"
13. The ability to do enormous
amounts of work for a minimal payoff.
14. High level of nurturing and
caretaking skills.
15. Tendency toward
over-achievement, leading to the ability to work consistently at 120
percent of capacity.
16. Gives low priority to
emotional needs and feelings.
17. Has one or more of the
following: Migraine headaches, obesity, depression, and
obessive-complusive behaviors.
18. Has low self-esteem with a
very dependent personality. It is not likely that a person with high
self-esteem would put up with a fraction of what a codependent
routinely tolerates.
Adapted from Families under the
Influence by Michael Elkin.
COMPLIANCE
PATTERNS
I assume responsibility for others
feelings and behaviors.
I feel guilty about others feelings and
behaviors.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I have difficulty expressing feelings.
I am afraid of my
anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
I worry how others may
respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior.
I have
difficulty making decisions.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or
rejected by others.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am afraid to express differing opinions or feeling.
I
value others opinions and feelings more than my own.
I put other
people's needs and desires before mine.
I am embarrassed to
receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
I judge everything I
think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am
perfectionistic.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful
situations too long.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or
desires.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile
person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid
rejection or others anger.
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