Sexual Addiction

Sexual Addiction (SA) groups offer Christ-centered support for men and women seeking recovery from lust and compulsive sexual behaviors. The cornerstone for our recovery is the power and love of Jesus Christ. It is built upon the fellowship of the group, having a safe place to share our struggles, pain, and victories, with the accountability and the mutual support of the group throughout the week.

How do you know if SA group is for you? We offer the following observations of what is true for us -

We share a common experience of engaging in sexual behaviors, which are demoralizing and demeaning to another, or ourselves, and which we feel unable to stop, even in spite of the adverse consequences to our lives. We have sacrificed relationships, jobs, or our humanity, and yet we continued to engage in these damaging and compulsive sexual behaviors.

Many of us share a common history of some type of childhood abuse. We were yelled at or told we were worthless or stupid or ugly. Today we recognize these as emotional abuse. We were neglected, knocked down, or struck with objects. Today we know this to be physical abuse. Lastly, we were touched, pawed, coerced or forced into sexual activities. Today we call this sexual abuse. Whatever abuses we suffered we learned that to survive we had to find a way to not feel the overwhelming and unbearable pain.

Instinctively we built walls around our hearts. Lust is a magical wall in that it gives the illusion of connection. So we feel safe, but we remain alone inside our prison. Unconsciously we felt we were somehow broken, that we were different from others and not normal. Sex with ourselves or with others gave us the illusion of acceptance and thus the cure to our worthlessness. We needed a constant supply of sexual activity to stay cured. To lust is to live. Lust had became the most important thing in our lives. Some of us were willing to risk and lose everything to get and keep it. Only when we came face to face with the truth that lust was a liar did we become willing to let it go. Lust promises to connect us with others and make us whole. But it never does.

Our hope:

We have accepted that we cannot control our lustful thoughts and behaviors in our own strength. We have learned that through the power of Jesus Christ we can live sober lives, one minute at a time and one day at a time. If you identify with these issues, and if you are weary from your struggle, then we invite you to fellowship with us as we daily seek the Lord's guidance on our journey of recovery from sexual addiction.

Condensed and adapted from R.S.A.'s "The Problem" and "The Solution"

According to RSA's THE SOLUTION, "We discovered that our problem was spiritual, emotional, and physical….Since our problem encompassed all three aspects of our personhood, healing also had to occur in all three areas."

BODY
The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain.

MIND
Patrick Carnes, author of many pioneering studies in sexual addictions, states that research has shown a very high correlation between childhood abuse and sexual addiction in adulthood. Many addicts come from unemotional, morally rigid and authoritarian families. Most have have additional addictions and, in general, poor mental health and limited impulse control. He reports that many addicts have unusually negative self-concepts (and so do many of their mates): "I am bad," "No one could love me," and so on.

David Jones
Life Strategies Christian Counseling

In working with men that struggle with sexual addiction I am often asked this question,"How can a Christian man have a sexual addiction?"

There is not one simple answer to this very complex affliction. There is just no way to make sense of the insane behavior that is produced by this addiction. How can a man who has experienced God's greatest gift of His Grace and Mercy fill his mind and soul with filth? The same way King David - a man after God's own heart - could commit adultery and murder.

I once heard sin described as temporary insanity and you know you just can't make insane behavior make sense. In understanding how a Christian man can be afflicted with this addiction we will need to take a look at the enemy's methods of assault.

Most often the seeds of this addiction are planted during the most vulnerable periods of a male's childhood. Most of the men I work with have an age 12 story of how they were exposed to sexual material or behavior at this time. This is a very key age for the male because he is beginning his practice time for manhood.

With this age come many anxieties and pressures. A lot of males at this point have already learned that they need to take care of things on their own and they can't trust others with these feelings. As these new fears come about, Satan's messages is that he can give the male a place to go where he can either escape, or medicate his anxieties.

If the adolescent male continues to use this escape then he never learns the skills to work through his fears and pressures. He will need the use of these skills as he enters into adulthood. Each time he enters this fantasy world the after effect of shame grows but he doesn't know what to do with it because he lacks the skills to express his needs.

Most of the men I deal with describe developing a world of image management at an early age. They put on an image that everything is OK because they fear what will happen if they reveal their shame and failures. What Satan and the pornographers don't tell you is that each time a male engages in this world it assaults his mind and soul.

It is important to interject here the spiritual aspects of this addiction. There is a spiritual element of this addiction that makes it different from other addictions.

What God intended the sexual package to be is part of the spiritual bonding between husband and wife. In other words, it is part of the process of the husband and wife becoming one.

When part of this package, say visual, is taken outside the area that God intended, then spiritual bonding and wounding occur. When an adolescent engages in repeated sexual acting out, then the seeds of this behavior are planted at a spiritual level. These seeds can lie dormant for many years or can progress straight into addiction.

Often these young men are wounded in other areas of their lives and use this acting out as a balm for their wounded spirits. Let's say that the seeds of this behavior lie dormant for several years but are never dealt with. As these men reach adulthood they use other behavior to medicate their fears.

A lot of the men I deal with are very performance driven and feed off the powerful drug of approval. This often produces men that are workaholics and very successful in the eyes of those around them. No one is really able to get close to them because of what they learned long ago, that it is the people that are close to you that can hurt you.

Remember, they never learned to deal with their anxieties and fears. As these grow through the stresses of life, they will need more medication or avenues of escape.

Satan's attack sounds like this, "Hey, remember me? I've got a place you can go and get all your needs met. You don't have to jump through any hoops, just point and click."

The seeds that were planted earlier now grow into full grown plants that intertwine their roots around the man's heart. Feeling the shame of his behavior, he may try numerous confessions and acts of repentance. Following this with a period of non-acting out, but because he lacks the skills to deal with the stresses in his life, they mount up again. He eventually returns to the addiction feeling even more defeated and ashamed.

The addict often buys into the lie that this addiction is the only place where he can get his needs met. In doing this he will rationalize, minimize, excuse, and reduce his behavior. He is now protecting the relationship with the addiction because he has bought the lie that it is not hurting anyone. The addiction now has its hook set in the individual and will lead his mind and body to places he never intended to go.

Satan's goal is to rob, kill and destroy. This addiction meets all of those goals because it robs a man of his intimacy with God and others. It molests his soul and mind. It destroys his relationships with others. It kills and numbs his feelings and healthy desires and leaves him as an empty shell.

Sadly, it can also end in death because the hopelessness and despair of what he has done can lead to suicide. Remember, I have tried to give a simple answer to a very complicated addiction. This should not give rise to making excuses for the addicts' behavior because they may have not gotten their needs met as a child. These men need accountability, honesty and support.

I truly believe this is Satan's number one attack on Christian men today and as the body of Christ we need to open our eyes and hearts to the fact that you may have a wounded brother sitting on the same pew with you every Sunday. Let's not shoot our wounded but let them know their is hope and freedom.

David is a graduate of The University of Memphis with a Masters Degree in Counseling. Born and raised in Memphis, TN David now lives in Atoka, TN with his wife of 15 years and his two children, serving as an elder in his local church. David is in private practice as Life Strategies Christian Counseling. He has received extensive training in chemical addiction, sexual addiction, and the treatment of sex offenders. Past experience includes positions as administrator, coordinator, trainer and consultant for various Christian programs in a variety of settings - residential, in-patient, out-patient, church and correctional.

Sexual AddictionPornography Addiction

Sexual Addiction
Pornography Addiction